Sixteen Year Old Goals

1) Lose a substancial/noticable/dangerous amount of weight
2) Read four books a month
3) Create a classical education for myself
4) Teach myself to play the piano
5) Keep tidy
6) Enhance inner strenght to extreme levels
7) Grow hair out
8) Never ever sell out

when normal people want to lose weight
they diet
they dont eating disorder.

RELIEFFF!

i keep trying on my bathing suit and i never change my mind.
i actually...look good. its really nice because the monokini is stilll really sexy and fun and whatever a bikini is...but it doesnt really show my belly which is what i have the most problem with. i just look curvy and busty and muscular. its perfect.

and last night i was able to grab at my stomach and tell it to stay. not go. i didnt tell it to leave me..i told it to stay. im just realizing that. so im going to not diet. thats right. first time in FOREVER. i will eat healthy and excercise in order to MAINTAIN this figure. its perfect.

thats so amazing. its such a breathe of fresh air. now all i have to do is smile and eat right.

why cant you see, you belong with me

ah okay.
well thanks to that little meltdown and my best friend Nikki,
i was convinced to say something to nick, my other best friend.
he was wondering why i was so upset, didnt say goodbye to him, and then turned the lights out and blew out the candles when him and his girlfriend were trying to get ready to leave my house (xD) ;)
i told him how unacceptable that he tell ALEXXX about mike and all that. alex being someone i used to have a thing with, alex being the first person to ever really hurt me.
he completely understood and apologized and said he didnt really get the situation, and was surprised when alex said he wasnt into me because mike still wanted to hang out...
and thats when i smiled, and tried to breathe.
i went into work full of energy and ready to face the world.
i ended up having a bad day at work. people are such bitches when it comes to snack food! holy shitttt.
but whatever. all i know is this.

monday: got up at 4:30 am. took shower. am dressed in short 20's vintage black & white dress with black leggings and im wearing my shapeupshoes (i'll take them off for school). i ate a big carrot, a banana, 2 eggs, and a glass of milk for breakfast and i feel really good. my hair is done but i guess the universe decided last night was a good time for me to break out so im listening to taylor swift You Belong With Me for the fiftieth time and icing my face. i have no expectations for this day. i have all my homework done, but i'll just go through it as well as can be expected after such a strange expierience this weekend.

tuesday: i'll be wearing skinny jeans and a big long sleeved shirt from forever 21 thats all stylish baggy and has tight arms (alex went out of his way the other night to text me after he left to compliment it, so i think i have the ENTIRE world's approval after that). last day working with amanda since she got a new job...that kind of makes me want to cry. but idk...maybe its something else to think about?

wednesday: youth group with all those great people. only problem with this is i get a very negative school vibe from thinking about this because during homework hour i get very antsy and can never focus. but maybe i can change that. every day is a new beginning.

thursday: My Sixteenth Birthday. You never really see it coming like that. When you're little you think about having a huge blow out and getting your license and Mary Kate and Ashley and all that shit. its nothingn like that. its far better then material things. I'm going to miss being fifteen tragically. It has been the most amazing year for me. Everything changed. I am completely different. I cant remember why I used to be overweight...I just dont know that anymore. I will celebrate this new beginning for me with the highest standards. I will wear black and white vintage high heels, tights, a black and white vintage skirt, and a gray blouse. My hair will be curly and I'll be greeted at school with a bouquet of balloons from anna and nikki and probably others. People will shove home baked goodies at me like they always do. After school at about seven I'lll go to a Catholic Central hockey game with my best friends exchanging the heels and skirt for skinny jeans and flats. Secretly I hope for Mike to be there, if he isnt interested in me, I want him to see what hes missing. A sweet sixteen year old. Same with jack. Same with Alex. Same with all of Cock Central.

friday: Not sure what I'm wearing on this day. All i know is that after school at seven thirty I have a 20 person party. (small, but my parents are very lame when it comes to parties haha). Brittany's sweet sixteen had the cops called on her lmao. i hope i can live up to that.
Hot tub party, mostly guys, food, hanging out, music, crazinessss. I'll being wearing my seventy dollar Victoria Secret monokini bathingsuit with the gray flowy shirt from forever 21 over it until its time for the hot tub. mind you, i look hot in it. revenge. then sleepover to discuss everything that happened with probaly kathy, anna, nikki and kailah.

saturday: day off of work. no plans at the moment. really chill day i hope :)

sunday: these are always rough. ive cried the past 2 sundays. i always look disgusting from the night before at church. its like all the shit that accumulates in the week preceding it shows up on sunday. at church, at work etc. maybe my goal for this day is to pray and pray and pray to be proved wrong about sundays being generally bad. sunday, bloody sunday.

<3

i got a new bathingsuit yesterday.
its soooo pretty from victorias secret and was about 70 bucks.
its one of those cut out one pieces where its barely a one piece but an attaced bikini kind of?
monokini i guess is what its called.
i look great in it.
im now counting calories every day.
really really chilling out on the carb intake.
continuing to wear my shape up shoes.
my birthday is this thursday and my party is on thursday and its a hot tub party so i better be ready because the ratio from boys to girls is verry very much so guys haha
<3

i dont really know what to say.
one day i'll look back at this post and think i was being a complete drama queen. i dont care. right now im floating and lifeless.
i asked mike to come to my birthday but hes busy this weekend. he seemed generally disappointed. that made me decently happy.
today i decided id invite alex over with nikki and anna and nick was there with chrissy. we were having a great time. until.
theres always an until.
nick: why dont you call mike?
rach: why would i call him?
nick: idk just do it
rach: i dont have his number...
nick: i can give it to you!
rach: i dont need it..
alex: __ __ ? (his whole name)
nick: yeah. rachaels into him. or idk. is he into you or what?
rach: i dont-
nick: alex your better friends with him. is he into her?
alex: i dont think so.
nick:
alex:
nick:
alex:
nick:
alex:

....
youd think by now my entire self esteem would be crushed.
its not really though. its never really been whole.
my back hurts from standing up straight when it shouldnt be.
my eyes are salty.
my friends are gone.
my right to be happy is gone.
my right to get good grades is completely here.
all i want to do is do work.
i'll sleep now.
i'll go to church.
i'll go to work.
i'll do homework and make my research project perfect.
i'll be hot at school.
i will lose myself. food is a luxury item.
i dont know what to tell you.
im not supposed to be satisfied.

Guys suck.

they deserve to see my soon to be amazing bod and choke on their own spit.

how awful does that sound?

it doesnt sound awful to me, its true.

i love boys. but their only good for flirting and teasing. anything more and they'll squash you.

so i might as well get the body and teach them what it means to make me sloppy seconds.

i am anything but sloppy.

they'll see.