i dont really know what to say.
one day i'll look back at this post and think i was being a complete drama queen. i dont care. right now im floating and lifeless.
i asked mike to come to my birthday but hes busy this weekend. he seemed generally disappointed. that made me decently happy.
today i decided id invite alex over with nikki and anna and nick was there with chrissy. we were having a great time. until.
theres always an until.
nick: why dont you call mike?
rach: why would i call him?
nick: idk just do it
rach: i dont have his number...
nick: i can give it to you!
rach: i dont need it..
alex: __ __ ? (his whole name)
nick: yeah. rachaels into him. or idk. is he into you or what?
rach: i dont-
nick: alex your better friends with him. is he into her?
alex: i dont think so.
nick:
alex:
nick:
alex:
nick:
alex:

....
youd think by now my entire self esteem would be crushed.
its not really though. its never really been whole.
my back hurts from standing up straight when it shouldnt be.
my eyes are salty.
my friends are gone.
my right to be happy is gone.
my right to get good grades is completely here.
all i want to do is do work.
i'll sleep now.
i'll go to church.
i'll go to work.
i'll do homework and make my research project perfect.
i'll be hot at school.
i will lose myself. food is a luxury item.
i dont know what to tell you.
im not supposed to be satisfied.