i dont really know what to say.
one day i'll look back at this post and think i was being a complete drama queen. i dont care. right now im floating and lifeless.
i asked mike to come to my birthday but hes busy this weekend. he seemed generally disappointed. that made me decently happy.
today i decided id invite alex over with nikki and anna and nick was there with chrissy. we were having a great time. until.
theres always an until.
nick: why dont you call mike?
rach: why would i call him?
nick: idk just do it
rach: i dont have his number...
nick: i can give it to you!
rach: i dont need it..
alex: __ __ ? (his whole name)
nick: yeah. rachaels into him. or idk. is he into you or what?
rach: i dont-
nick: alex your better friends with him. is he into her?
alex: i dont think so.
nick:
alex:
nick:
alex:
nick:
alex:

....
youd think by now my entire self esteem would be crushed.
its not really though. its never really been whole.
my back hurts from standing up straight when it shouldnt be.
my eyes are salty.
my friends are gone.
my right to be happy is gone.
my right to get good grades is completely here.
all i want to do is do work.
i'll sleep now.
i'll go to church.
i'll go to work.
i'll do homework and make my research project perfect.
i'll be hot at school.
i will lose myself. food is a luxury item.
i dont know what to tell you.
im not supposed to be satisfied.

Guys suck.

they deserve to see my soon to be amazing bod and choke on their own spit.

how awful does that sound?

it doesnt sound awful to me, its true.

i love boys. but their only good for flirting and teasing. anything more and they'll squash you.

so i might as well get the body and teach them what it means to make me sloppy seconds.

i am anything but sloppy.

they'll see.

I hadnt the slightest idea that people could comment on my blogs

I was just looking at them and saw random comments and i was absolutly shocked

They made me laugh and smile and I think I'm alright for a bit.

A little shaken up, for sure, but what are you going to do?

I happen to be a very sad person right now.

By sad I mean pathetic.

Kathy thinks I've never had a boyfriend because of my major self esteem issues.

For sure thats a factor, they come first in my life.

But not having that closeness...only settling for major flirting...has brought my self esteem even lower?

SO WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO...

wait for a guy to text her three days after he asked for her number?


....

fuckkk thatttt :(

Alright

Today is Day Eight of South Beach Diet Phase One. I have six more days to go.

I've never finished this phase, but this time I will

Starting March 2nd, I will begin a calorie counting diet.

1500 calories per day, fruits//whole grains//veggies//one treat per day

noooo moreee peanut butter. Thats all I've eaten on the SBD so far. I've lost weight, but still, peanut butter is my entire days worth of food. That and lettuce. Sometimes skim milk.

I will be excercising every day because I'll have my shape up shoes by then. I'll wear those all day and hardly ever take them off for the next four months and beyond.

I got this.

...

today my parents found a diet pill. I think I destroyed their trust and they flipped a shit over it. I'm not in trouble but their worried and my mom got all stressed and sick or w/e like what i did made her feel worse. Yeah, I'm a terrible person I know, but what are you going to do.

They told me I'm not allowed to be on a diet anymore..at this I cant help but shake my head.

As if I had a choice.

Heres whats going on.

I've been on South Beach since Monday 16 February.
It was a shaky decision but its been working I suppose. I dont really care about eating non South Beach items because I've always had such a shitty time figuring out what to eat in the kitchen anyway. Now at least I know.

Last I checked I was 139. I should lose a few pounds by Sunday March 1st. I dont really care how many at this point. I say 120 but everything on the internet says 130. All i care about is by JUNE 13TH 2009 that I am much littler than this. 120 would be fantastic. But realisticaly I'll be 125-130. My shape up shoes will be coming in the mail any day now, so thatll make a big difference. Its like constantly walking on a stair master. Lord knows I hate going and figuring out how long to go on the tred mill, so now i can work out wherever and whenever I want. I'm excited to accomplish things.

you know whats sexy?
my chanel bracelet won't stay in place on my wrist anymore
it twists and fallls low on my arm when i raise my arm, i could almost shake it right off

:)