6:00 am
whole wheat wrap with 2 slices of ham and 1 slice provolone cheese
1 glass of skim milk

9:00 am
extra firm tofu drizzled with extra virgin olive oil & balsamic vinegar
1 bottle of water

noon
1 peach & 1 plum
light rasberry yogurt
iced iced

3:00 pm
extra firm tofu drizzled with extra virgin olive oil & balamic vinegar
orange water
1 chopped green bell pepper

6:00 pm
2 slices whole wheat bread with original hummus smeared on them
light strawberry/banana yogurt
iced tea

May 29 food

BREAKFAST
Special K cereal = 120 calories
Milk for bowl/cup = 140 calories
Total: 260 calories

LUNCH
2 turkey slices = 40 calories
1 cheese stick = 60 calories
jello = 10 calories
bagel = 75 calories
Total: 185 calories

SNACK
One slice whole wheat bread = 110 calories
Butter = 35 calories
Total: 350 calories

DINNER

May 28 food

Oh how I've yo-yoed.
I got ridiculously skinny
and then off my diet I binged and binged.
It's like I'm trying to do this to myself.
I still have 2 weeks until school is out. I'm going to kick it up into high gear starting tommorow.

BREAKFAST = 6:30 am
Green Pepper = 33 calories :)
cottage cheese = 80 calories :)
3 strawberries = 12 calories
Total: 125 calories

LUNCH = 12 noon
orange = 62 calories :)
Green pepper = 33 calories :)
banana = 105 calories :)
jello = 10 calories :)
Total = 210 calories :)

SNACK = 3:45 pm
cottage cheese = 80 calories
milk = 80 calories
Total: 160

DINNER = 6:00 pm
1 slice whole wheat bread = 110 calories
1 glass milk = 80 calories
2 slices of turkey = 40 calories
2 carrot sticks = 60 calories
Total: 290 calories

Left over = 415 calories

why i need to do this.

Sixteen Year Old Goals

1) Lose a substancial/noticable/dangerous amount of weight
2) Read four books a month
3) Create a classical education for myself
4) Teach myself to play the piano
5) Keep tidy
6) Enhance inner strenght to extreme levels
7) Grow hair out
8) Never ever sell out

when normal people want to lose weight
they diet
they dont eating disorder.

RELIEFFF!

i keep trying on my bathing suit and i never change my mind.
i actually...look good. its really nice because the monokini is stilll really sexy and fun and whatever a bikini is...but it doesnt really show my belly which is what i have the most problem with. i just look curvy and busty and muscular. its perfect.

and last night i was able to grab at my stomach and tell it to stay. not go. i didnt tell it to leave me..i told it to stay. im just realizing that. so im going to not diet. thats right. first time in FOREVER. i will eat healthy and excercise in order to MAINTAIN this figure. its perfect.

thats so amazing. its such a breathe of fresh air. now all i have to do is smile and eat right.

why cant you see, you belong with me

ah okay.
well thanks to that little meltdown and my best friend Nikki,
i was convinced to say something to nick, my other best friend.
he was wondering why i was so upset, didnt say goodbye to him, and then turned the lights out and blew out the candles when him and his girlfriend were trying to get ready to leave my house (xD) ;)
i told him how unacceptable that he tell ALEXXX about mike and all that. alex being someone i used to have a thing with, alex being the first person to ever really hurt me.
he completely understood and apologized and said he didnt really get the situation, and was surprised when alex said he wasnt into me because mike still wanted to hang out...
and thats when i smiled, and tried to breathe.
i went into work full of energy and ready to face the world.
i ended up having a bad day at work. people are such bitches when it comes to snack food! holy shitttt.
but whatever. all i know is this.

monday: got up at 4:30 am. took shower. am dressed in short 20's vintage black & white dress with black leggings and im wearing my shapeupshoes (i'll take them off for school). i ate a big carrot, a banana, 2 eggs, and a glass of milk for breakfast and i feel really good. my hair is done but i guess the universe decided last night was a good time for me to break out so im listening to taylor swift You Belong With Me for the fiftieth time and icing my face. i have no expectations for this day. i have all my homework done, but i'll just go through it as well as can be expected after such a strange expierience this weekend.

tuesday: i'll be wearing skinny jeans and a big long sleeved shirt from forever 21 thats all stylish baggy and has tight arms (alex went out of his way the other night to text me after he left to compliment it, so i think i have the ENTIRE world's approval after that). last day working with amanda since she got a new job...that kind of makes me want to cry. but idk...maybe its something else to think about?

wednesday: youth group with all those great people. only problem with this is i get a very negative school vibe from thinking about this because during homework hour i get very antsy and can never focus. but maybe i can change that. every day is a new beginning.

thursday: My Sixteenth Birthday. You never really see it coming like that. When you're little you think about having a huge blow out and getting your license and Mary Kate and Ashley and all that shit. its nothingn like that. its far better then material things. I'm going to miss being fifteen tragically. It has been the most amazing year for me. Everything changed. I am completely different. I cant remember why I used to be overweight...I just dont know that anymore. I will celebrate this new beginning for me with the highest standards. I will wear black and white vintage high heels, tights, a black and white vintage skirt, and a gray blouse. My hair will be curly and I'll be greeted at school with a bouquet of balloons from anna and nikki and probably others. People will shove home baked goodies at me like they always do. After school at about seven I'lll go to a Catholic Central hockey game with my best friends exchanging the heels and skirt for skinny jeans and flats. Secretly I hope for Mike to be there, if he isnt interested in me, I want him to see what hes missing. A sweet sixteen year old. Same with jack. Same with Alex. Same with all of Cock Central.

friday: Not sure what I'm wearing on this day. All i know is that after school at seven thirty I have a 20 person party. (small, but my parents are very lame when it comes to parties haha). Brittany's sweet sixteen had the cops called on her lmao. i hope i can live up to that.
Hot tub party, mostly guys, food, hanging out, music, crazinessss. I'll being wearing my seventy dollar Victoria Secret monokini bathingsuit with the gray flowy shirt from forever 21 over it until its time for the hot tub. mind you, i look hot in it. revenge. then sleepover to discuss everything that happened with probaly kathy, anna, nikki and kailah.

saturday: day off of work. no plans at the moment. really chill day i hope :)

sunday: these are always rough. ive cried the past 2 sundays. i always look disgusting from the night before at church. its like all the shit that accumulates in the week preceding it shows up on sunday. at church, at work etc. maybe my goal for this day is to pray and pray and pray to be proved wrong about sundays being generally bad. sunday, bloody sunday.

<3

i got a new bathingsuit yesterday.
its soooo pretty from victorias secret and was about 70 bucks.
its one of those cut out one pieces where its barely a one piece but an attaced bikini kind of?
monokini i guess is what its called.
i look great in it.
im now counting calories every day.
really really chilling out on the carb intake.
continuing to wear my shape up shoes.
my birthday is this thursday and my party is on thursday and its a hot tub party so i better be ready because the ratio from boys to girls is verry very much so guys haha
<3

i dont really know what to say.
one day i'll look back at this post and think i was being a complete drama queen. i dont care. right now im floating and lifeless.
i asked mike to come to my birthday but hes busy this weekend. he seemed generally disappointed. that made me decently happy.
today i decided id invite alex over with nikki and anna and nick was there with chrissy. we were having a great time. until.
theres always an until.
nick: why dont you call mike?
rach: why would i call him?
nick: idk just do it
rach: i dont have his number...
nick: i can give it to you!
rach: i dont need it..
alex: __ __ ? (his whole name)
nick: yeah. rachaels into him. or idk. is he into you or what?
rach: i dont-
nick: alex your better friends with him. is he into her?
alex: i dont think so.
nick:
alex:
nick:
alex:
nick:
alex:

....
youd think by now my entire self esteem would be crushed.
its not really though. its never really been whole.
my back hurts from standing up straight when it shouldnt be.
my eyes are salty.
my friends are gone.
my right to be happy is gone.
my right to get good grades is completely here.
all i want to do is do work.
i'll sleep now.
i'll go to church.
i'll go to work.
i'll do homework and make my research project perfect.
i'll be hot at school.
i will lose myself. food is a luxury item.
i dont know what to tell you.
im not supposed to be satisfied.

Guys suck.

they deserve to see my soon to be amazing bod and choke on their own spit.

how awful does that sound?

it doesnt sound awful to me, its true.

i love boys. but their only good for flirting and teasing. anything more and they'll squash you.

so i might as well get the body and teach them what it means to make me sloppy seconds.

i am anything but sloppy.

they'll see.

I hadnt the slightest idea that people could comment on my blogs

I was just looking at them and saw random comments and i was absolutly shocked

They made me laugh and smile and I think I'm alright for a bit.

A little shaken up, for sure, but what are you going to do?

I happen to be a very sad person right now.

By sad I mean pathetic.

Kathy thinks I've never had a boyfriend because of my major self esteem issues.

For sure thats a factor, they come first in my life.

But not having that closeness...only settling for major flirting...has brought my self esteem even lower?

SO WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO...

wait for a guy to text her three days after he asked for her number?


....

fuckkk thatttt :(

Alright

Today is Day Eight of South Beach Diet Phase One. I have six more days to go.

I've never finished this phase, but this time I will

Starting March 2nd, I will begin a calorie counting diet.

1500 calories per day, fruits//whole grains//veggies//one treat per day

noooo moreee peanut butter. Thats all I've eaten on the SBD so far. I've lost weight, but still, peanut butter is my entire days worth of food. That and lettuce. Sometimes skim milk.

I will be excercising every day because I'll have my shape up shoes by then. I'll wear those all day and hardly ever take them off for the next four months and beyond.

I got this.

...

today my parents found a diet pill. I think I destroyed their trust and they flipped a shit over it. I'm not in trouble but their worried and my mom got all stressed and sick or w/e like what i did made her feel worse. Yeah, I'm a terrible person I know, but what are you going to do.

They told me I'm not allowed to be on a diet anymore..at this I cant help but shake my head.

As if I had a choice.

Heres whats going on.

I've been on South Beach since Monday 16 February.
It was a shaky decision but its been working I suppose. I dont really care about eating non South Beach items because I've always had such a shitty time figuring out what to eat in the kitchen anyway. Now at least I know.

Last I checked I was 139. I should lose a few pounds by Sunday March 1st. I dont really care how many at this point. I say 120 but everything on the internet says 130. All i care about is by JUNE 13TH 2009 that I am much littler than this. 120 would be fantastic. But realisticaly I'll be 125-130. My shape up shoes will be coming in the mail any day now, so thatll make a big difference. Its like constantly walking on a stair master. Lord knows I hate going and figuring out how long to go on the tred mill, so now i can work out wherever and whenever I want. I'm excited to accomplish things.

you know whats sexy?
my chanel bracelet won't stay in place on my wrist anymore
it twists and fallls low on my arm when i raise my arm, i could almost shake it right off

:)

Biggest Loser

The people on Biggest Loser are absolutly inspiring
I bitch and bitch but do little
Today I took an hour long walk in the snow up hills and shit
so that was nice
I'm going to work out in twenty minutes and starting today i am starting biggest loser
I am motivated by those lovely people who lost 50-150 or so pounds
If they can do it, so can I
I am so proud of them
I'd like to be proud of myself
I will lose twenty pounds by June
And I will have the best fucking summer of my life
because I'll have somethign to be proud of
and also, I will not put myself down
I will not give up
and I will not give in to my eating disorder
I'm going to kick this, and I'm going to kick it right
I GOOD amount of calories per day
counted
my body is not a fucking trash can
I will not put shit into for momentary cravings
Eat right.
Excercise.
I suppose I've been hearing it all along.

if theres no one beside you when your soul embarks, then i'll follow you into the dark.


It is currently 5:28 am on Monday morning, new semester
I have been awake since 3:30 worrying and fretting over stupid shit

none of that.
I have my kitty beside me, and a hot guy awaiting me this weekend (sort of haha) no one is allowed to get in way. im taking things one step at a time. my new years resolution was learning to do do things GRADUALLY. and that i shall.

if theres no one beside you when your soul embarks, then i'll follow you into the dark.

I've got to be honestI think you knowWe're covered in lies and that's OKThere's somewhere beyond this I knowBut I hope I can find the words to say Never again noNo never again [Chorus]'Cause you're a godAnd I am notAnd I just thoughtThat you would knowYou're a godAnd I am notAnd I just thoughtI'd let you go But I've been unableTo put you downI'm still learning things I ought to know by nowIt's under the table soI need something more to show somehow Never again noNo never again [Chorus]I've got to be honestI think you knowWe're covered in lies and that's OKThere's somewhere beyond this I knowBut I hope I can find the words to sayNever again noNo never again

does it mean ive gone off the deep end, when my lunch consists of 2 pieces of whole wheat bread ripped up into little pieces, dipped in skim milk in order to save calories?

no. i dont think so. the fact that im realizing what im doing is sort of crazy, contradicts me being crazy.

crazy people dont know their crazy.

ha. wow is it good to be back.
counting calories again.
im not being sarcastic. i actually ENJOY feeling weak. its lets me know im doing something about this whole thing.
i cried today for the first time in forever.
this whole week and a half has been studying and studying and studying and not seeing my CC friends.
i had aderol last night, and it lasted longer than usual, it ended up making me think and think and think into my dreams. i solved all my problems mentally and slept with a smile on my face.
im not making a plan. im just taking it step by step.
got up. ate something nice. wrote down the calories. repeat.
alright, i did have a meltdown today tho. my mom keeps going to the fucking hospital and my parents never explain anything to me. and what makes it 100x worse is that she is so sweet and cute and clingy that i get all antsy and its hard to talk to her about things cuz...thats simply not me. i like fairly challenging/distant ppl who are sarcastic and rude in a funny way, ppl like me. me and my dad have the same qualities. my mother is the nicest human being alive, so i just get kind of stand offish sometimes. how AMAZINGLY terrible of me is that? so today, in her cute little shortness, looking all pale and whatever, she told me she might be spending the night in the hospital again.
and me, selfish little me, i thought "i dont need to think about this right now! im already stressed over finals!" really rachael? YOU YOU YOU. so i sat in my room to study for the 6th hour today...and i just broke down in tears. i put down my pencil and my mascara spilled. i texted sean and brooke in an attempt to make me feel better but no one has texted me back.
so im just listening to music...drinking water...and taking deep breathes.
i cant afford this right now.
i need to go study.


btw.
god bless mr. barack obama.

so i might be going to florida for spring break

and hawaii for summer

i really need to up my stats on working out/eating right

a days are just hard because i meet my friends up in the library

and we dont eat

so then i get home and just cant control myself.

i really need to start packing a lunch and eating it during drop-out hour

im getting a massive headache from working on my english project

and my algebra homework

stuffs alright though, been dressing nice and having a good time.

no drama. thats how this year just is. drama free.

its really nice.

ugh. hah.
i just went to victorias secret to get a new bathing suit.
they were all so very picked up and all drawers were empty it was very frustrating.
i picked one out and put it on. taking one look in the mirror i burst into tears.
pathetic.
there were pictures of adriana lima and gisele bundchen surronding me.
the thing is, i bet im not the only person to have a panic attack in a place like that.
i NEVER used to be intimidated by models! ever! so what if they were pretty and skinny, good for them.
i dont know whats going on with me.
im going to the gym later for 2 hours. im just going to run and run and run.
i dont deserve anything less.

what do you expect?

now: 140 pounds.

march fifth: 130 pounds.

june twelth: 120 pounds.

august 25th: 110 pounds.

fml for having to do this.

breakfast:
1 cup milk =
1/2 cup cheerios =
1 glass orange juice = 110 cal

best diet tips ever

1) drink plenty of water. it is good for you (obviously), clears up the skin, and reduces cellulite
2) reduce calories and write them down. you'll see where you go wrong, and what your actually putting in your stomach. control.
3) go vegetarian. you get the most amount of energy from veggies and frutis anyway, especially root veggies like onions and garlic.
4) pomegranates, pumpkin, and sardines are very helpful in raising your metabolism.
5) overdoing excercise is not the way to go. you'll soon be tired out and you'll stop burning calories once you are dehydrated
6)if you can talk okay, but not sing, your going at a good excercising pace
7) do not illiminate food groups unless your a vegetarian. you need nutrients. as a vegitarian, make sure you are getting the things you would have gotten in meat
8) excercise and diet is the only way to go. cliche, i know, but it is so very true.
9) not eating will make you pass out and endanger your health, and you'll probably end up gaining it all back anyway if your not in critical health anyway
10) watch what you drink. skim milk and water is the only way to go.
11) soda is a NO NO. the sugar is just heaped. and diet soda is a no no too. the sweetener will make your body think your getting sugar, and you'll crash eventually and then get hungry. sweeteners up your risk of cancer, and increase cellulite.
12) you will never get abs if you have fat on your stomach. you have to rid of the fat first, to see abs or to produce them
13) GRADUAL IS THE ONLY WAY TO GO. give yourself time. its been half a year since i started all of this. im giving myself another half a year. you.can.not.lose.quickly.safely.
14)THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BODIES.

i used to think stick thin was the only shape, and if you werent that, you were just massively obese. this is so so so so untrue. i figured out, as i lost weight, that i am an hourglass shape. who knew? please know that there are so many different looks. and bathingsuits too, whoever decided to rule out one pieces? some are soo adorable and flattering!
remember, im only fifteen, so dont hold me to these. but in my crazy expieriences of losing weight...these have proved helpful.

15)muscle means burning calories. build muscle, burn calories. this is so difficult when you happen to be a vegetarian. haha. but you can do it if you stick your mind to getting the protein.

All I've been doing is excercising running up and down a step for 30-45 minutes a day.

I need to work on counting calories, but sometimes its hard when i eat something that doesnt have a calorie thing on the back. Oh well, I'll suck it up and figure it out.

The last time I measured myself was December 13th, like my waist and stomach etc, so I'll do that on January 13th, and type in what progress has been made.