Biggest Loser

The people on Biggest Loser are absolutly inspiring
I bitch and bitch but do little
Today I took an hour long walk in the snow up hills and shit
so that was nice
I'm going to work out in twenty minutes and starting today i am starting biggest loser
I am motivated by those lovely people who lost 50-150 or so pounds
If they can do it, so can I
I am so proud of them
I'd like to be proud of myself
I will lose twenty pounds by June
And I will have the best fucking summer of my life
because I'll have somethign to be proud of
and also, I will not put myself down
I will not give up
and I will not give in to my eating disorder
I'm going to kick this, and I'm going to kick it right
I GOOD amount of calories per day
counted
my body is not a fucking trash can
I will not put shit into for momentary cravings
Eat right.
Excercise.
I suppose I've been hearing it all along.

if theres no one beside you when your soul embarks, then i'll follow you into the dark.


It is currently 5:28 am on Monday morning, new semester
I have been awake since 3:30 worrying and fretting over stupid shit

none of that.
I have my kitty beside me, and a hot guy awaiting me this weekend (sort of haha) no one is allowed to get in way. im taking things one step at a time. my new years resolution was learning to do do things GRADUALLY. and that i shall.

if theres no one beside you when your soul embarks, then i'll follow you into the dark.

I've got to be honestI think you knowWe're covered in lies and that's OKThere's somewhere beyond this I knowBut I hope I can find the words to say Never again noNo never again [Chorus]'Cause you're a godAnd I am notAnd I just thoughtThat you would knowYou're a godAnd I am notAnd I just thoughtI'd let you go But I've been unableTo put you downI'm still learning things I ought to know by nowIt's under the table soI need something more to show somehow Never again noNo never again [Chorus]I've got to be honestI think you knowWe're covered in lies and that's OKThere's somewhere beyond this I knowBut I hope I can find the words to sayNever again noNo never again

does it mean ive gone off the deep end, when my lunch consists of 2 pieces of whole wheat bread ripped up into little pieces, dipped in skim milk in order to save calories?

no. i dont think so. the fact that im realizing what im doing is sort of crazy, contradicts me being crazy.

crazy people dont know their crazy.

ha. wow is it good to be back.
counting calories again.
im not being sarcastic. i actually ENJOY feeling weak. its lets me know im doing something about this whole thing.
i cried today for the first time in forever.
this whole week and a half has been studying and studying and studying and not seeing my CC friends.
i had aderol last night, and it lasted longer than usual, it ended up making me think and think and think into my dreams. i solved all my problems mentally and slept with a smile on my face.
im not making a plan. im just taking it step by step.
got up. ate something nice. wrote down the calories. repeat.
alright, i did have a meltdown today tho. my mom keeps going to the fucking hospital and my parents never explain anything to me. and what makes it 100x worse is that she is so sweet and cute and clingy that i get all antsy and its hard to talk to her about things cuz...thats simply not me. i like fairly challenging/distant ppl who are sarcastic and rude in a funny way, ppl like me. me and my dad have the same qualities. my mother is the nicest human being alive, so i just get kind of stand offish sometimes. how AMAZINGLY terrible of me is that? so today, in her cute little shortness, looking all pale and whatever, she told me she might be spending the night in the hospital again.
and me, selfish little me, i thought "i dont need to think about this right now! im already stressed over finals!" really rachael? YOU YOU YOU. so i sat in my room to study for the 6th hour today...and i just broke down in tears. i put down my pencil and my mascara spilled. i texted sean and brooke in an attempt to make me feel better but no one has texted me back.
so im just listening to music...drinking water...and taking deep breathes.
i cant afford this right now.
i need to go study.


btw.
god bless mr. barack obama.

so i might be going to florida for spring break

and hawaii for summer

i really need to up my stats on working out/eating right

a days are just hard because i meet my friends up in the library

and we dont eat

so then i get home and just cant control myself.

i really need to start packing a lunch and eating it during drop-out hour

im getting a massive headache from working on my english project

and my algebra homework

stuffs alright though, been dressing nice and having a good time.

no drama. thats how this year just is. drama free.

its really nice.

ugh. hah.
i just went to victorias secret to get a new bathing suit.
they were all so very picked up and all drawers were empty it was very frustrating.
i picked one out and put it on. taking one look in the mirror i burst into tears.
pathetic.
there were pictures of adriana lima and gisele bundchen surronding me.
the thing is, i bet im not the only person to have a panic attack in a place like that.
i NEVER used to be intimidated by models! ever! so what if they were pretty and skinny, good for them.
i dont know whats going on with me.
im going to the gym later for 2 hours. im just going to run and run and run.
i dont deserve anything less.

what do you expect?

now: 140 pounds.

march fifth: 130 pounds.

june twelth: 120 pounds.

august 25th: 110 pounds.

fml for having to do this.

breakfast:
1 cup milk =
1/2 cup cheerios =
1 glass orange juice = 110 cal

best diet tips ever

1) drink plenty of water. it is good for you (obviously), clears up the skin, and reduces cellulite
2) reduce calories and write them down. you'll see where you go wrong, and what your actually putting in your stomach. control.
3) go vegetarian. you get the most amount of energy from veggies and frutis anyway, especially root veggies like onions and garlic.
4) pomegranates, pumpkin, and sardines are very helpful in raising your metabolism.
5) overdoing excercise is not the way to go. you'll soon be tired out and you'll stop burning calories once you are dehydrated
6)if you can talk okay, but not sing, your going at a good excercising pace
7) do not illiminate food groups unless your a vegetarian. you need nutrients. as a vegitarian, make sure you are getting the things you would have gotten in meat
8) excercise and diet is the only way to go. cliche, i know, but it is so very true.
9) not eating will make you pass out and endanger your health, and you'll probably end up gaining it all back anyway if your not in critical health anyway
10) watch what you drink. skim milk and water is the only way to go.
11) soda is a NO NO. the sugar is just heaped. and diet soda is a no no too. the sweetener will make your body think your getting sugar, and you'll crash eventually and then get hungry. sweeteners up your risk of cancer, and increase cellulite.
12) you will never get abs if you have fat on your stomach. you have to rid of the fat first, to see abs or to produce them
13) GRADUAL IS THE ONLY WAY TO GO. give yourself time. its been half a year since i started all of this. im giving myself another half a year. you.can.not.lose.quickly.safely.
14)THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BODIES.

i used to think stick thin was the only shape, and if you werent that, you were just massively obese. this is so so so so untrue. i figured out, as i lost weight, that i am an hourglass shape. who knew? please know that there are so many different looks. and bathingsuits too, whoever decided to rule out one pieces? some are soo adorable and flattering!
remember, im only fifteen, so dont hold me to these. but in my crazy expieriences of losing weight...these have proved helpful.

15)muscle means burning calories. build muscle, burn calories. this is so difficult when you happen to be a vegetarian. haha. but you can do it if you stick your mind to getting the protein.

All I've been doing is excercising running up and down a step for 30-45 minutes a day.

I need to work on counting calories, but sometimes its hard when i eat something that doesnt have a calorie thing on the back. Oh well, I'll suck it up and figure it out.

The last time I measured myself was December 13th, like my waist and stomach etc, so I'll do that on January 13th, and type in what progress has been made.