ha. wow is it good to be back.
counting calories again.
im not being sarcastic. i actually ENJOY feeling weak. its lets me know im doing something about this whole thing.
i cried today for the first time in forever.
this whole week and a half has been studying and studying and studying and not seeing my CC friends.
i had aderol last night, and it lasted longer than usual, it ended up making me think and think and think into my dreams. i solved all my problems mentally and slept with a smile on my face.
im not making a plan. im just taking it step by step.
got up. ate something nice. wrote down the calories. repeat.
alright, i did have a meltdown today tho. my mom keeps going to the fucking hospital and my parents never explain anything to me. and what makes it 100x worse is that she is so sweet and cute and clingy that i get all antsy and its hard to talk to her about things cuz...thats simply not me. i like fairly challenging/distant ppl who are sarcastic and rude in a funny way, ppl like me. me and my dad have the same qualities. my mother is the nicest human being alive, so i just get kind of stand offish sometimes. how AMAZINGLY terrible of me is that? so today, in her cute little shortness, looking all pale and whatever, she told me she might be spending the night in the hospital again.
and me, selfish little me, i thought "i dont need to think about this right now! im already stressed over finals!" really rachael? YOU YOU YOU. so i sat in my room to study for the 6th hour today...and i just broke down in tears. i put down my pencil and my mascara spilled. i texted sean and brooke in an attempt to make me feel better but no one has texted me back.
so im just listening to music...drinking water...and taking deep breathes.
i cant afford this right now.
i need to go study.


btw.
god bless mr. barack obama.